Catch Up.

I've been in South America for the past three and a half months. I went to the movies five times during the journey. Even though one would sooner expect sight-seeing and crazy happenings than film nerdery from a South American adventure, for someone who heads to the ol' cinematorium at least once or twice a week, that number's alarmingly low on the quota.

What did I see? I saw X-Men: First Class in Arequipa, Peru (fun). Then I went to see Midnight in Paris on a Hangover Day in Salta, Argentina. It was perfect for a Hangover Day. Absolutely perfect. Some things never change, right? A night on the turps followed by a bit of Woody Allen, grease and a giant energy inducing beverage. Anyway, it was delightful. It got off to a slow start, and I was unsure at first as to whether Owen Wilson would rise to the occasion. The film quickly cut through my doubts however, as well as my awful mood, and my nausea. Honestly, I think it's Allen's most rewarding effort in a good long while. I left the cinema with a spring in my step, ready to take on the world. All I did was get on a bus to the next city and fall asleep, but that's besides the point.

In said next city (Cordoba), I managed to find the municipal cinema club and took myself to a screening of Orlando. It proved to be the perfect film to watch at that exact moment. Tilda Swinton, in all her glory, winking at the camera and being incredibly interesting to watch. I high-fived myself on the cold walk home.

Oh, Swinton.

Next was Harry Potter 7.2 in Buenos Aires, complete with a cinema full of squealing Argentine children. Santiago was meant to be Captain America and Cowboys and Aliens, but thanks to student protests and a mis-reading of session times, the only thing we saw was Horrible Bosses. Which I'd describe as perfectly adequate. I laughed. There were a few inspired moments. I quite like Charlie Day. Meh.

So that's the extent of my moviefilm consumption over the past few months. Unless you count watching half of Swordfish, most of Jurassic Park, some of The Social Network and all of Hostel.

So last night I was cruising around Apple Trailers. My oh my, have I missed out on a lot. A hell of a lot. Don't I feel behind with the times. Behind, running after the times frantically, yelling at them to slow down as I'm rather unfit (months of Argentinian steaks and a lot of beer will do that, apparently). All these releases about to occur that I had no idea were even being pondered. So many trailers. So many things to watch. The mind boggles (and that's not even counting four months worth of Epic Meal Time). You know what though? "Severely underwhelming" seems to be the reaction of my thoughts after much of this particular bout of trailer watching.

Seriously, a remake of Footloose? Seriously? A non-Bacon Angry Dance? Seriously?

Imagine in your ears the sound of my vomming, then of me choking on my own vom, because I don't want to live in a world with this film in it.

Similarly terrible looking are Trespass (Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman are rich, then get robbed), The Odd Life of Timothy Green, The Vow (THIS SUMMER Channing Tatum must teach his wife how to LOVE AGAIN), Redtails, The Woman in Black (Daniel Radcliffe gets haunted, hasn't discovered any new facial expressions to use), Hunger Games and that Glee 3D piece of shit.

I'll tell you what I do want to see. 50/50, Little Rock, Shut Up Little Man, Eye of the Storm and The Inbetweeners.

Anyway, let the catch-up begin. Jane Eyre this afternoon, Win Win on the weekend. The Change Up looks stupid but goddamn, I'll be watching it. Who wants to come with me? It opens next week.