Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Breaking Dawn Part Two is so bad it goes past good and back to bad again.

I'm not even kidding.

Look, I know I'm supposed to be writing a long-winded post about Meredith. I definitely still am. Definitely.

HOWEVER, tonight I was ripped away from my laptop in order to partake in a strange tradition Alice and I have going: to head to a screening of the latest Twilight movie in order to laugh our asses off, choking with barely contained guffaws while pretending to vomit into our popcorn.

You may of course, remember my little rant about the last installment of the Twilight Saga ... Breaking Dawn: Part 1. 

Look, I enjoyed Breaking Dawn: Part 1. That is to say, I enjoyed it in the same way that I enjoy watching any insanely bad movie. We laughed at the inane dialogue! We gasped with terror at the atrocious performances! We cringed at the awkward attempts at "sexy" from anyone involved! We vomited at just about everything that happened!

Part 1 was truly a joy to watch, simply because it was filled with characters and plot points and performances so far beyond comprehension, there was nothing else to do in the face of it but to laugh. Of course, afterward came the bewilderment and shock that millions of young girls around the world take The Twilight Saga to be the Best of the Best as far as romance goes, but that's an entirely different story.

To re-cap, Part 1 contained the following:

  • Vampire/Human sex
  • Teen wolf inter-gang politics
  • Half-human half-vampire spawn communicating with its folks from the womb
  • Said baby being EATEN OUT OF THE WOMB by its VAMPIRE FATHER
  • A teen wolf falling in love with newborn baby

Amazing, right? Yes. It is. It's ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous. Can you imagine if David Cronenberg or John Waters were to direct that? Food for thought, no?

Lamentably, tragically, goddamn annoyingly Breaking Dawn Part 1's one saving grace - the fact that it's FUCKING ABSURD and therefore HILARIOUS - is the very thing that's missing from Part 2.

This means that I spent the last couple of hours or so being repulsed, bored, puzzled and occasionally slightly amused (at all the wrong moments, of course). The rest of the time, I tried to block out all sounds of Kristen Stewart's mumbly monotonous delivery in order to gaze at Lee Pace.

He does look like the slightly goth frontman of a
band of magicians, but you know... slim pickings.

To give you some context, Part 2 picks up where Part 1 left off. Revelatory. Renesmee (snigger snigger snigger) has just been born, and Bella has just been turned into a vampire. Bella wakes up and she's suddenly super hot and super strong and has super red eyes. The fact that she's so strong is basically the only place from which Breaking Dawn Part 2 attempts to glean some light moments of humour so you know, look out. Bella learns to hunt, she learns to be around humans, she meets her kid, and she finds out her furry be-muscled pal Jacob has "imprinted" on her newborn daughter. Lo and behold, it looks like our heroes might finally get some peace and quiet in their new little cottage of domestic bliss.

Bella and Edward even get to have some full-blown, no-holds barred vampire sex! Funnily enough though, full blown no-holds-barred vampire sex proves to be just as awkward and boring and un-sexy as Bella and Edward's human/vampire sex, so frankly I can't tell what all of the fuss is about. Luckily for us though, someone spots their rapidly growing half-vampire spawn and dobs the Cullens in to the vampire big bosses and so ensues the build up to a potential vampire showdown for the ages.

Of course, the build-up to a potential vampire showdown for the ages is basically an excuse to bring in some cool-lookin' vampire types from around the world. Call it the chance to put attractive faces to one-dimensional minor characters so obsessive fans can write horny teen fan-fiction to their hearts' content. Because really, that's gotta at least be part of what it is. All the promo shots floating around the internet, the token bits of dialogue, the cool powers, the fact that they're all actuall completely useless as characters ... In between gazing at Lee Pace, that's what was running through my head during most of the "GET TO KNOW THE OTHER VAMPIRES" section of the damn film. WHO WILL GET THE MOST FAN FICTION? I'm almost slightly curious. Almost.

In any case, a bunch of the Cullens' vampire pals trek over from all corners of the earth to help their brethren out. There are a pair of Brazilian Amazon vampires, who you can spot because they're not wearing much and they're tall, fit ladies. They grab a trio from India, who you'll spot because they're darker and are wearing scarves. There's another trio from Ireland and, even though they don't say anything, you can tell they are Irish because they're all have red hair. Yes, that's how layered, complex and interesting each of Stephanie Meyers' characters are. You can tell the vampires are Irish because they have red hair.

At this point in the film, I was thoroughly bored. Each moment of heart-wrenching emotional weight left me feeling nothing. Each pronouncement from one vampire to another that they'd always love them, forever forever forever, I yawned and wished Lee Pace would grace the screen again soon. Alice too, leant over at one point to say much the same to me.
"I don't think I have enough emotion for this film..." she murmured.
No, I thought, the problem is that we don't have enough shit tolerance for this film.

With solemn looks and intense pacing and vows to always love each other in place of crazy-ass supernatural antics, there's really nothing to distract from the fact that The Twilight Saga is basically filled with incredibly unlikeable characters being incredibly selfish, and is filled with actors barely acting, uncomfortably staggering through truly insipid dialogue. I say this with no hint of hyperbole: there are next to no redeeming qualities to be found in this film. 

My biggest moment of excitement (again, I'm not even kidding) actually came when out of nowhere WENDELL PIERCE of The Wire appeared as an inconsequential character that's on-screen for all of about a minute. When he appeared, I began to laugh and clap my hands with geniuinely surprised glee. That, my friends, was the highlight of Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 2. I half expected him to throw a beer can at Bella's head.

Bunk's in Twilight? Shiiieeeeeeet. 
What should have been the highlight was the inevitable showdown between the Cullens and the Volturi. That should have been the incredible climax to the entire goddamned saga, or at the very least a somewhat entertaining distraction from the dreary bore-fest that had been the preceding hour and a half. To the film's credit, it does actually manage to muster a few moments of badassery and surprises. For instance (I don't give a shit about spoilers), a number of major players get killed off quite quickly during the snow-field battle that ensues, and in pretty grizzly and graphic fashion to boot. I remember suddenly snapping my attention back to the screen (I could see my phone lighting up and was tempted to check it) and mentally congratulating Twilight for pulling a rabbit out of its undead hat right at the eleventh hour. Cojones! Badassery! Heads being ripped from bodies! I almost felt something there! Well done!

Almost immediately after I thought my prayers might be answered though, we cut back to THE PRESENT, to see Michael Sheen (who spends the entire film attempting to be as over-the-top as possible) looking confused at the vision he'd just had.

That's right.
It was all a dream.
The entire battle did not occur.

The only good bit in the movie didn't actually happen.


I'm not even kidding. The entire showdown was a vision, given to one vampire to another. In the end it all seems like a bit too much trouble to have an epic showdown, so everyone parts ways and lives happily ever after.



When that happened, I actually began to laugh properly for the first time during the film. The theatre was silent, and I couldn't help myself from laughing at how truly and utterly stupid this film was proving to be. Yeah, cool. You can do the, "KIDDING! WE WOULDN'T KILL YOUR FAVOURITE CHARACTERS! EVERYONE'S FINE!!" right when it looked like this wasn't going to be the Worst Thing I've Ever Watched.

To make matters worse, Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 rambles on past the point - ALICE HAD A VISION OF RENESMEE STANDING BY SOME CRASHING WAVES WITH WOLF BOY - where any other film would have began to roll some end credits in order for Bella to give Edward a telepathic flashback montage of THEIR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP. 

"Is this actually happening?" asked Alice, wide-eyed and disgusted.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuucking hell."

When that enjoyable recap of all four preceding films finished, and the film proper finally dragged itself over the sappy, vapid finish line, we found to our horror that it was still almost another ten minutes before we were able to leave. For it's at this point that Breaking Dawn Part 2 launches into a truly, truly awful sequence in which every minor character we've encountered throughout ALL FIVE MOVIES is shown. Even the ones that weren't even in Breaking Dawn. It seemed to last for years. Long, agonising years. Obviously, this is a film for fans. But believe me when I say this: I have never, ever seen something as equal parts ludicrous and vomit-inducing as the last twenty minutes of Breaking Dawn. Never. And I've seen some pretty shitty films in my time.

Finally, the credits rolled in earnest and the ordeal was over. The saga had ended, the curtain drawn on perhaps the most puzzling franchise that's ever managed to make millions of dollars and turn millions of girls into vampire-worshipping zombies with skewed views on romance.

Again, it was one of the worst things I've ever seen. And I admit, this is probably not one of the best things I've ever written but I just had to get all of the confusion and disgust and pure, undiluted terror out of my system before it all faded. I suppose written vomit is all that Breaking Dawn Part 2 really deserves now that I think about it, so frankly I don't feel like I'm going to lose any sleep about it. I just hope that the memory of what I just saw fades into the background of my mind quickly, because I sure as shit don't want to ever think about Bella, Edward, and their pals ever, ever again. Fans take this shit very, very seriously indeed, but if you're not a teenage girl who swoons at the very thought of a vampire then you won't be able to take it seriously in the slightest.

So shit, it goes past good and back to shit again. That's exactly how shit it is.

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