I've been without the internet for a few weeks now. And of all the moments of isolation, deprivation and complete and utter hopelessness I've endured over those few weeks, last night was the worst. For the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest was on TV, and I had no way to follow the Twitter stream. I had no way to contribute. My hysterical laughter and (at times) utter confusion was confined to the living room I now share with dearest Milly Bean. And while she humoured my yells and cackling laughter and couch-bound dancing (flailing), she clearly isn't as into it as I am.
The songs! The choreography! The costumes! The crazy-ass camera movements! The absurd English-definitely-not-first-language lyrics! The narration! Oh boy oh boy oh boy, was it ever amazing. Personal highlights were (obviously) the absurdity of Romania's entry (which basically encapsulated all that is amazing/confusing about Eurovision), Greece singing about how "ALCOHOL IS FREE" (in kilts), and the GLASS CASE OF EMOTION displayed during Azerbaijan's "Hold Me".
Side note: last night I learned Azerbaijan is a country. Is that bad? Probably. But perhaps, it's also testament to the wonder that is Eurovision - it's as educational as it is a glorious trip to a ridiculous Euro pop wonderland. Seriously though, watch Romania. It's probably the most amazing thing I've ever seen. Ever.
If nothing else, Eurovision 2013 made it very, very clear that I need internet. And I need it soon. With each live Twitter update onscreen, with each hashtag and Facebook update, each photo posted and lol shared, I felt an actual pang of "GODDAMN IT, I WANT TO GO TO THERE". What does that say about me? I'm not sure. Probably something along the lines of "Fuck, you need to get out more" as a follow up statement to "Why do you care about these internet antics and Twitter feeds?"
In any case, the situation is dire. I fear I'll say "hashtag" before statements, or prodding people in the forehead in an attempt to "upvote" whatever they just said. I'll start saying things like "UMAD?" or "gg" or "FTFY" in the IRL world. Maybe my face will actually turn into this:
I'll give thumbs up to people before declaring "LIKE!" at them. I might even take to printing out my favourite hilarious pictures and sticking them up on poles along my street so I can make sure I'm filling the brains of people I don't know with images of adorable dogs and cats doing hilarious things.
Or maybe I do a great many of those things already guys and I'm really really ashamed guys.
|I need internets|
Anyway, the hunt for adequate internet (my standards have fallen) has intensified.
Now, once more. With feeling.